This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
