He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
