Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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