I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
