We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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