I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
