Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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