My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
