I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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