who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
