fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
should my penis look like a turkey
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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