Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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