i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
zippers are such a cool invention
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
