I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
