You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize