just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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