all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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