One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
