If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
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