you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
