Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
