Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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