if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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