she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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