I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
