I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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