I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
