I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
