dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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