you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
