those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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