Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
