I swear she didn't look like that last week.
from now on my penis is your penis
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
