Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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