know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
