First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I need to calm my uterus...
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
