dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
