the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
