Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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