Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
