Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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