If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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