i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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