I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
