every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
