i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
