corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
