I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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