what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
