I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Who died my cat blue again?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
