my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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