ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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