if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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