dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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